


Orchidectomy

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Some Like It Hot (1959)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-21
Updated: 2005-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1636979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Italian Opera Lovers Association convenes downstairs. Meanwhile, flowers are delivered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Orchidectomy

**Author's Note:**

> Written for torch

 

 

"I thought that lecherous little bellhop would never leave. Quick, Jerry, we've gotta get ready for the one o' clock show. Where's my corset?"

"On the bathroom door. I don't know, Joe. I just don't know how I'm going to break Osgood's heart."

"Oh, you'll find a way. Just remember to hang onto that bracelet."

"I don't know about you, but I've gotta get freshened up before I can show my face in public. Cha-cha-ing through the night in those heels takes a lot out of a girl. Run me a bath, would you?"

"We don't have time for that. Just change into that dress with the - don't take your  
bosoms off!"

"They're killing me! I've simply gotto have a quick scrub-down. Pass me that towel."

"Aw, who's at the door now? If it's that undersized, underage, pompous pipsqeak..."

"Shh! You'll have to get it, Joe. I'm not decent."

"You can say that again... Hellooooo? Anybody there? Oh, it was just a flower delivery."

"From Osgood! Oh boy, oh boy..."

"Oh, for the love of Pete, get back in that bathroom and find a bigger towel! Here, here's  
your corsage for the ball, Cinderella."

"Look, orchids! And a note... an invitation to an after-dinner rendez-vous at midnight. Oh! And they smell simply divine. Well, that generous man treats me better than... than... well, certainly better than you've ever treated a girl in your life, that's for sure. He's kind and he's gentle and he's a wonderful dancer, and now he's given me diamonds *and* a corsage! And think of all he's promised me: A white wedding, his mother's approval, a honeymoon on the Mayan Riviera. Now what kind of heel would I be if I... if I..."

"Jerry? Jerry...? Snap out of it, Jerry! You're looking at me funny and I don't like it. Give me those posies and have your bath. Say, these do smell nice. What's the matter, you got allergies?"

"No. No, no, no, I'm fine, just fine. I was just thinking... how bad could it be?"

"How bad could *what* be?"

"Well... the Riviera."

"Oh, no. *Oh,* no. No, no, no, no, no! This Osgood Feeling's affecting your brain!"

"You don't gotta shake me, Joe! I've got a delicate constitution."

"I'll give you delicate, you idiot! The Riviera would be very, very bad."

"It's not impossible! The lights down low, a strategically padded negligee..."

"All right, numbskull, and where is it going to *go*?"

"Well, Joe, that's where you're going to help me."

"Jerry, Jerry, you are out of your mind! I swear, this millionaire is doing some sort of voodoo  
on your head."

"Voodoo! Now who's out of who's mind?"

"There's no way you're going to get away with this, and there's *certainly* no way I'm -- mmm!"

"See, Joe, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"You... you... you taste like peppermint."

"Mojitos. Eight of them, as a matter of fact. Now how about you help me out for once? This whole crazy trip you've done nothing but take advantage of my trusting nature."

"I'm not taking advantage of anything!"

"First you hock our overcoats, then you set us up as dames with the heels and the chests and the elevator pinches, then you con me into going on a dancing date with Osgood while you have the time of your lousy womanizing life with poor, innocent Sugar."

"Well, you seem to be enjoying it all this morning."

"Now see here, you! If I'm falling for this guy, and I think I am, then it's only because you made it that way. And I think it's rotten of you to build me up just to let me down."

"You're calling me a tease?"

"Yes, handsome, I believe I am."

"...Aw, you just did it again! What's with you and the kissing? You stink of orchids."

"Are you going to help me figure this thing out or not?"

"See that? That right there under the towel is a very, very big reason why I won't!"

"Are you sure?"

"Hey! What in the name of... oh... oh, Jerry..."

"Daphne, if you *please*."

"I can't do this to Sugar!"

"Exactly, and likely you'll never have an opportunity again. So whaddaya say -- are you gonna make a woman out of me?"

***

"I think if you just... if I just..."

"Say, is that Sugar's suntan lotion? Ow! Cut that out right now, you cad! I  
oughta --"

"Relax! Just keep repeating to yourself 'I'm a girl...'"

"I'm a girl, I'm a girl -- oh, it's not working! Joe, I don't think girls do this!"

"Not the ones you know. You're a girl, you're a girl, you're a girl..."

"I'm a girl, I'm a girl, holy shamolee, am I ever a girl..."

***

"Well."

"Well."

"I'm gonna crack a window."

"Put those flowers back in the box while you're at it, will you? They're stinking up the room."

"Put them back yourself, philistine! Oh, never mind, I don't want you bruising them. I'll do it."

"I suppose we'd better..."

"...Yeah, we'd better..."

"...get dressed."

"...put our faces on. Say, Joe?"

"Yeah, Jerry?"

"I guess the Riviera's not such a hot idea after all."

"Maybe not. But hey, don't sell yourself short. You're not such a bad looking girl."

"Really? You think I'm pretty?"

"Well, not if you're going to put your lipstick on looking at me and not at the mirror. Here, let me fix that."

***

Epilogue:

Jerry feels the panic rise in the back of his throat. "Osgood, I'm gonna level with you: we can't get married at all!"

"Why not?"

"Well, in the first place I'm not a natural blonde."

"Doesn't matter."

Jerry's wig is a very itchy wig. He doesn't know why it never bothered him before. One part of his brain wonders how dark curls would complement a white veil, and still another part feels a surge of tenderness for the wonderful man beside him. Jerry tries to collect his thoughts and form another argument. "I smoke! I smoke all the time!"

"I don't care."

Smoking really is a disgusting habit. Jerry resolves that from this moment on he will never touch another cigarette. "I have a terrible past! For three years now I've been living with a saxophone player."

"I forgive you."

The guilt Jerry feels for his immoral lifestyle is overwhelming. The girls! The drunken nights! The scamming and scrounging for rent! Nothing good has ever come of that batchelor pad. Well, now that Jerry will be living in a Southampton mansion... hey, where did that thought come from? Focus, Jerry, focus! "I can never have children."

"We can adopt some."

At those words Jerry feels a stab of regret, of maternal longing, of... a biological clock? "Well, you don't understand, Osgood! Oh..." Jerry rips off his horrendously itchy wig. "I'm a man."

"Well? Nobody's perfect."

And suddenly Daphne can't breathe. Could it be panic? Or possibly true love? Well, yes, both (God bless that wonderful Osgood), but also her dress is too tight across the chest and it's *hurting*. And then all discomfort is forgotten in an instant as something very, very important begins to shrink.

 


End file.
